‘Oh come on, dude! You can do it! You just have to spend some TIME for it!’

Songs from Closer than Ever (Trumpets Playshop 2008, AFP Theater)

Voila! The magic word! TIME!!! That 4-letter word which seems to be an old cliche whenever people lose hope on the things that they want to do. If you live only 24 hours each day, a third of that time is spent working in the corporate world, a sixth for boring bus and train rides, and another third for sleeping, I only have 4 hours to spare to do the things that I love. The point is, in my case, I really have a difficulty making TIME to do theater and all that jazz. Add the fact that being in a corporate world is so stressful that all you want to do after work is to sleep and never open that freaking work email upon arriving at home. I live 2-hours away from Manila and that’s another ‘stress point.’ I don’t have much freedom to try out or audition for different theater productions because of this distance. There are theater companies that would really require you to work full time and sometimes, on a shifting sked (no night shifts please). So if I really want to do theater, I have to resign from my present job and spend time rehearsing and going to auditions and workshops. Really hard thing to do especially if your job gives you a stable source of income. Oh, did I say that theater doesn’t promise a good and stable source of income? Another dilemma that needs to be addressed. I think there are no other options, it’s ‘either… or.’

Wait, it seems like doing theater is more of a complication than a heart-fulfilling act. I’m beginning to act as if I’m not really sure if that’s what I really want. THAT’S NOT GOOD because it turns out that I’m solving a hardcore Physics problem, not fulfilling a dream. I have lots of if’s and but’s. Before, I used to tell myself that I want to do theater as a ‘sideline’ and work in a multinational company as a full-fledged engineer. I just wanted to do theater as a hobby. But I realized that I’m not really into the hardcore engineering stuff. Things started to change and it became the other way around. I aspired to be a full-fledged theater actor and do engineering as a sideline.

I think of all these things not knowing that I’m wasting a lot of my TIME. Again, that 4-letter word. I would spend more time ranting, sometimes blaming people than getting myself to act. It’s like I’m waiting in vain for the universe to conspire for me to be on stage, to sing and dance to Broadway showtunes. I realized that it doesn’t happen just like that. Yesterday, I read a quote from a devotional book that says, ‘Don’t just sit around waiting for things to happen.’ I realized that I’m not doing much to fulfill this lifelong dream. I think more of my limitations than the things that I can do. I dwell more on the if’s and but’s than exploring avenues to hone my talents as an artist.

I hope and pray that in the coming days, I would be more willing and active to pursue theater. A friend once told me that I have to PRIORITIZE my passions. It made a lot of sense to me, really. I think most people have failed to pursue their dreams because they have given up or they set their dreams aside to do their other ‘responsibilities.’ They decided to stick to the status quo and be confined in a box. I don’t want to be one of them. I want to let my desire grow and see it bear fruit. I want to fuel my passion. I want my heart come fully alive for my God, my Creator. I know I can only hope for what I desire but as long as I keep my eyes and if I can see my dreams being fulfilled, my heart is on the right track. I’m 100% sure that God planted this seed in my heart and He wants me to do my job, to make it grow, cultivate it, and let it bear fruit. I should rather MAKE TIME rather than find time for it.

It was quite a different feeling to watch a show that you were once part of. I was back at the Guerrero Theatre yesterday in UP to watch the rerun of Isang Panaginip na Fili written and directed by Floy Quintos with original music by Ceejay Javier. The original material debuted 2 years ago and I’m glad to have been a part of the cast as chorus. I should say that being a part of this show is a magical journey and up until now, I still want to do it. I got chills all over my body while watching the show. Nostalgia looms through the air as the famous ‘cuidao’ songs play. I can’t help it but get teary-eyed and say to myself, “Hey, I should be on that stage singing those songs and wearing those costumes.” I want to jump off my seat and leap on the stage and do my thing like what I did 2 years ago. But that was a quite different story to tell.

I admit it, I envy the present cast for having Dexter Santos as their choreographer. If there’s one thing that would set this show aside from the first run, it was the unique, flamboyant, and harmonic dance steps by the man who gave us Orosman at Zafira (OZ). The show was like St. Louis Loves Dem Filipinos and OZ in one. Even though little changes were made in the script, the show still brought the freshness of the original piece. Some musical numbers were given new arrangements which made them classy and easier to sing. (Back then, we really had a hard time rehearsing the songs because of the complex rhythms.) The new batch of chorus undoubtedly has nice voices and the lead actors never failed to deliver Pepe Rizal’s message with much conviction and passion.

They did a quite different opening number. I think it was way better to keep an almost bare stage and the chorus enters on the first climactic note. It’s much stronger doing that. This year, they managed to use curtains (which I guess was the plan in the 2008 production) and the actors were preset on stage. It has a nice choreography but a little push is needed to lift the energy especially from the singing chorus.

Doing this musical is tiring yet fulfilling because we do production number after production number. Personal favorite of mine is the Imuthis scene. It was good before but it is way way better this year. The stage was maximized and choreo was grander. Same with ‘Magandang Balita/Lampara’ and ‘Matanglawin.’ They improve much on choreo. There are times though that the chorus lacks energy especially on the balcony. Turned out that the balcony became a safe haven for them rather than a performance space. Sorry. Also, Maria Clara’s death scene didn’t make much impact. I still remember when we did this show, the chorus sings backstage counterpointing the mad nuns on stage. We’re like throwing our voices out from the backstage to the auditorium. And the death of Juli should be climactic. I don’t know what happened to the performance of the actors. But I think, together with the death of Juli, the scene also died. One more thing, I noticed that the chorus didn’t sing the first ‘FILIBUSTERO’ in sync after Kabesang Tales shot Simoun. They’re like waiting for someone to sing first before they can follow. This was after the ‘Magandang Balita/Lampara’ and the prelude to the finale number.

Ad libs from the original run became quite handy for this year’s production. Some of them include ‘Nagdudugo ang ilong ko’ by Eric Dela Cruz (one of the original Tunyings) and ‘Buhatin na nga natin dahil baka patayin pa tayo sa nobelang ito!’ by Ces Quesada (one of the original and present Donya Victorina).

Franco Laurel still best fits the role. No one could ever do it like him. His youthful yet classy attack to the character of Pepe Rizal is one of Fili’s trademark. Add the fact that he’s a singer who can act. No doubt about it. Nazer Salcedo gave the show an operatic twist which I think what Direk Floy really wants. Ces Quesada is as bubbly as ever in her Donya Victorina character. Floyd Tena follows the likes of JC Santos and JM de Guzman as Basilio. The innocence of Janine Santos gave a true-to-life Juli. Greg de Leon’s overpowering voice is perfect for Kabesang Tales. Charley Magalit is quite a surprise for getting out of her comfort zone as Paulita Gomez. Vincent Pajara proved to be more than a character actor in his role as Isagani. Jean Judith Javier is haunting yet lovely as Maria Clara. And lastly, Meynard Penalosa is much more convincing in his acting techniques as the scary Padre Camorra. This show is full of great artists filling Guerrero with SRO’s, rounds of applause, and standing ovations.

The finale never failed to bring me to tears. The anti-climactic tone of it made much sense since it’s more of a plea to the Filipinos rather than a conclusion to a play. I think the whole musical is a microcosm of our nation today.

I hope that this musical would come a long way. If there’s going to be a 3rd run, I would do my best to be a part of it, again.

Last Friday, quite accidentally (for a lack of a better term) I was able to attend an awarding ceremony of some sort after work. The speaker was Mr. Ed Pilapil, an executive coach, an employee trainer, and public speaker. He was a great speaker indeed. With his overflowing charisma, I can’t help it but to take in every word that he says. I don’t want to miss this opportunity. He discussed 5 or 6 points with regards to how to live your life as a professional or as a person of this world at least. (I can’t remember all actually. My apologies.) First would be love your work, which all of the attendees have a hard time saying by heart. Another one is to live your dreams, or something close to that. I have big dreams not just for myself but for my family as well. Mr. Pilapil in a way encouraged each one of us to chase after our dreams be it skydiving or making a music album. Another point that he discussed is investing in relationships be it at work, with family, or with friends. He said that we don’t have to spread ourselves to thinly especially when dealing with a lot of friends. It would be wiser to concentrate on a chosen few who would stick with you for a long time, or for forever. Makes sense right? So I’m kinda tempted to elaborate about this more because I’m in a struggle of some sort with regards to this. But I think I have to shut my mouth for now.

Going back to what I really want to share, Mr. Pilapil shared another point and that is to be wise with money. We should invest more on things that increases value rather than the ones that decreases. The scenario that he gave us was investing on a cellphone versus investing on jeweleries. Cellphones decrease their value 2 or three years after purchase. Jeweleries, I mean the authentic ones, won’t decrease value over the years (not really sure about this fact but this is how I understand what he said). So who cares for a nice cellphone if you have nice jeweleries? He also shared a story about a girl who loves fashion and started earning money through her fashion blog. It came from a simple hobby to a serious business. I started thinking, hmmmm… I wanna do that but what am I gonna write? What do I really love? What are my dreams? Where do I want to invest my money? These thoughts came crashing in and I said ‘it won’t be that easy. Why? Though I really have a lot of interests and they can be very good blog topics, I can’t exactly point out what I really want or what is my top 1. Add the fact that being a jack of all trades is my mantra. I might be spreading myself too thinly.

I love music but I’m not familiar with some genres. I love the performing arts but I’m still an amateur. I love photography but I don’t have a camera of my own. Come to think of it, all these problems actually have simple solutions but still, I have to think again if this is what I really want before diving in. Ang hirap naman! I guess, this really should take some time before being finalized. Thinking about the feasibility would be harder than doing the real business. And if I’m really serious about this, I might shell out a lot of money. Yikes! Imagine how much a camera alone would cost. Music education is not just for pure entertainment but also for pure intellect. Performance workshops can be so expensive and demanding. Well, If I am really serious about this, I should be ready to face these challenges. And more importantly, I should be able to choose one that I really love, one that I wanna do for the rest of my life, and one that would keep me and my future family alive. Of course, this is business. We want a lot of money! Haha!

But still, I don’t know what exactly it is that I want.

The past 3 months have been so tough but quite challenging. I started a new job as a cadet engineer last April in one of the biggest companies in the world. I’m glad to have joined that company since it was really my dream to work in a multi-national company, plus the fact that most of my peers there are my schoolmates in college. I had a great start with the company. It feels so good having your name attached to a company who made it really big in the engineering business. I’m more than blessed to have gotten a good-paying job (And man when I say good, it really is!) right after graduation. It’s one thing that I can really be proud of. I praise God for giving me that opportunity to get that kind of job. The work atmosphere is good. The supervisors are so cool. Workmates can become instant friends. What more can you ask for?

But as the days passed, I’m starting to realize that even though I got this job, I still feel that I won’t be happy doing this for the next months or so. I started to get frustrated with my performance at work especially with my Q.A. scores. At first I really thought that I’m one of the best newbie there. But then, after the results of the Q.A. came out, I found out that I’m not good enough. It saddened me a lot and it affected how I perform at work. How the heck did that happen? Is this really the job that I want? Am I really fit for this? Questions like these started to arise. There’s nothing wrong with the job. I think there’s something wrong with me.

For the next 39 days, I will try to re-asses my goals in life. Am I going there or am I taking a longer detour? I also want to ask God once again of the things that He has planned for me. I do hope to find the answers. But for now, I think I have to focus more on my board exam.

These past few days, my heart longs for the thing I really love, theatre. Just last week, I found out that there’s gonna be a rerun of the musical that we did two years ago. I was shocked because I didn’t expect that and I psyched myself to focus more with my corporate job. I haven’t been performing for almost two years now and my theatre life became really stagnant. I tried sticking to the status quo but I really do have a hard time dealing with things. A point came when I realized that my dream is not even halfway to reality. I realized that there is more to life than doing theatre. So I ditched theatre! But in my heart, I still long for the good old days.

After finding out that the rerun will push through, I started to think of some ways on how to fix my work schedule for me to do my ‘sideline.’ I’m starting to anticipate the oohhss.. and aaaahhhhsss… from my supervisors and workmates alike. I know most of them wouldn’t understand why I want this thing. Right now, I still don’t have a concrete plan on what to do next. For now, I would concentrate on my board exam review before doing anything else. It’s going to be my last hurrah before becoming a licensed engineer. And I’ll be waiting for God’s answer on my desire to perform for Him, my Audience of One.

At first, I find it a little bit hard adapting to my new environment because 1) I won’t be with my high school friends anymore, and 2) I will be living away from my family. Home sickness bothered me a lot that there was a time when I cried inside my room simply because I’m alone (that time, ‘emo’ is not yet a household term so I can’t brand myself as one). Thankfully, I found new friends during my first days in UP and they help me adjust to my situation. Some of them became my friends for a lifetime. I easily found myself at home in UP because of my new friends. But primarily, I’m in UP to study.

In UP, I learned to use the library more eagerly than when I was in high school. I realized that not all things are on the internet. Most professors would require us to read books or photocopy some readings because local bookstores don’t have copies of them anymore. In short, they’re obsolete. So studying became a little bit harder for me plus the fact that one subject requires me not just to read one book but two or three or four… Sometimes, I have to burn my own pocket just to photocopy a whole book. Also, I learned for a fact that listening takes you further than merely taking down notes because it can improve your memory.

Probably one of the best things in being a college student (in UP at least) is having much freedom in choosing your schedule and professors. You can even choose to have a day-off each week. Academic freedom is greatly exercised in UP. But as a line from a movie goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” If there’s academic freedom, there’s also academic terrorism.

College life won’t be complete without the taste of the bittersweet torture of taking exams and completing requirements. I can still remember during my freshie days when my Creative Writing professor, after finding out that the whole class failed to read the required reading, shouted to the whole class, “My _____, you’re in UP! You’re supposed to be the BEST!”Bittersweet? Yes indeed. You have to cram at times even if you don’t want to just to beat that deadline. Your precious time with friends needs to be sacrificed just to get that passing mark and get it over with. I even experienced taking 4 exams in a day in different buildings with no breaks in between. So it’s either you finish an exam early or be late for the next. Studying at the library until 12 midnight and spending sleepless nights in 24-hour fastfood chains became my way of life. I experienced being laughed at and hear my professors utter foul words while presenting a project in front of my peers. There are times when I need to appeal to my professor regarding my grade because I only need 0.0001% to get a passing mark and to never repeat that heaven-knows-from-where major subject. There came a time when sneaking out of class, because you have to attend to a matter-of-life-and-death situation, was way too impossible especially if there are only six of you plus your terror professor. A time also came when I needed to aim not for the “3″ but for the “INC” because you wouldn’t want to repeat that subject under the same freaking professor. Think I had enough? What if I tell you that my thesis was rejected after working on it for one whole year. So, I have to repeat again to work on a new thesis but this time, with a group. In all these things, I praise God because they all came to pass teaching me about life in one way or another.

But college is not only for mere studying. It can also be an avenue for you to enjoy life partying with friends. I came to know a lot of people in all walks of life. UP is unique because of the great diversity of students studying there. I had a great time with classmates who not only listen to you but also respect what you believe in. They also taught me a lot about how to deal with different kinds of academic pressure. There were also times that I needed to compete with my classmates but in the end, you are still in the same prestigious university. I also learned how to deal with different kinds of people simply because, you have no choice but to take the lead. I joined various organizations in UP. I developed a sense of family whenever I’m with them. Some of them became my brothers and sisters who helped me in my journey as a Son of God. I’m thankful to God that He gave me friends during college who get me back in track whenever I lose hope. I failed a lot of times (academically and spiritually) but I’m glad that God used people, my friends, as avenues of His grace and mercy. If there was one thing that I would truly miss after college, it’s the time well spent with friends playing, praying, partying, food tripping, studying, or just bumming around together.

UP also shaped my dreams as a theatre performer. Before I graduate, I had the chance to audition for a musical to be produced by the official performing group of the university, Dulaang UP. The universe conspired and I found myself brushing elbows with prominent people from theatre, TV, and film. I found joy rehearsing every night being mentored by artists who have their own names in the theatre industry. It gave me great joy performing on the same stage with them. Quoting from a blog of mine two years ago, “this is the best job on earth and I won’t trade it for anything else.” (But then again, reality bites.) I enjoyed performing in front of an audience receiving rounds of applause and standing ovations. Then the next day, you have to do it again. Performing gave me much satisfaction and fulfillment especially when the audience leaves the theatre with smiles on their faces and having last song syndromes. I would be forever grateful to my Alma Mater for giving me that shot (and I hope to have more). All glory to the Lord Most High, my Creator and my Audience of One. For it not with Him, I won’t be able to sing my heart out.

Contrary to what most people believed in, studying in UP brought me closer to God. University life is not as easy as it may seem but I’m glad that I remained in God from my freshie days up until now that I’m a young professional. With God’s unending grace, I was able to keep my faith even in the most pressing times. I thank God for not leaving my side and for revealing much of Him through my unique experiences in the university. God’s promise still remains that if we stayed with Him, He will be with us always. And so He did with me. Though I’ve stumbled a lot of times because of failures in my studies, relationships, and org commitments, God chose to mold me and to make me the person He wants me to be. He’s not finished with me yet.

As another chapter in my life unfolds, I still can’t help it but go down memory lane and see how God changed every aspect of my life. God has been molding me as His son from the moment I received my admission letter until this very moment. The past 7 years seem to pass just for a moment. Images from my freshie days up until I got my university clearance are still vivid in my memory. I could not have done them all without God’s gentle grip.

School days are over! This really calls for a grand celebration! But it can’t seem to sink into my system. I don’t know what the next 7 years might bring because the past 7 years didn’t come as I expect it to be. Coincidentally, number 7 has some significance in my life. It is my favorite number. During grade school, I got in the top 10 for the first time landing on the 7th place. The last digit of my student number is 7. The Israelites marched around Jericho’s walls 7 times before crumbling to pieces. I still can’t believe that I conquered UP’s prestigious halls and corridors which, in one way or another, became the birthplace of student activism and the training ground of this nation’s past, present, and future leaders. A tougher world out there is waiting. The world is going to be my stage. Failures are inevitable but my successes will be sweeter this time. I praise God for being my Creator, my Protector, my Refuge, my Peacemeaker, my Bestfriend, my “Jonathan,” and most of all, my Greatest Lover. I want to thank, no, praise Him for being alive with me and in me. I can clearly see now how enormous the battlefield is. But for now, I gotta take off that backpack and put that “sablay” on because the graduation march is already playing inside my head.

A month ago, I was invited to join OJ Isabela. Actually, I really want to go since I haven’t experienced OJ before (the closest I can get was Stillwaters’ Hope: Aurora back in 2006). Also, I have more freedom now to fix my schedule for those kinds of activities. I want to experience once how to be a CCC mover once again.

For one whole month, I’m struggling with a lot of personal issues. I started thinking twice whether I would still go or not because 1.) I don’t want to spend that sum of money (I wasn’t able to raise support), 2.) I would rather take a break, spend time with my family at home than bathe in the scorching heat of the summer sun, 3.) I find it hard to file a leave at work because I have to give my boss a good justification for that, and the list goes on. I want pleasure and comfort more than anything else. These excuses discouraged me to go but God is trying to tell me something through these things.

Part of my struggle would be spending time with God and knowing Him deeper. I’m still in the process of finding my real purpose in life. I keep on asking God what He wants me to do. A soul-searching of some sort. The hustle and bustle of the city won’t bring any help. At last, a good reason for me to go! I realized ‘Hey! It might be a great time to ask God about my purpose.’ With that in mind, I told my parents that I would be out of town on Holy Week for OJ, which was surprisingly just fine with them. Done with step 1.

After getting permission from my parents, I decided to sacrifice a part of my savings for the registration fee. Praise God for ‘brutally’ teaching me how not to spend much prior to the said event. But the battle within me became greater. I started thinking of the things that I can buy with that money. The devil started giving me pictures of false pleasures. But God is good. He made me realize that that sum of money is nothing compared to what He promised to me if I do anything according to His will.

Probably the hardest challenge that I encountered is filing a leave at work. Like what I said, I have to give good justification for that. Bahala na! I filed a leave for 3 days from March 29 to 31. Unfortunately, I was given new tasks to do during those dates. So I was kinda pissed off. My boss told me that I should be on the general assembly on the 30th since it’s compulsory. So I thought she didn’t approve of my 3-day leave. One workmate of mine told me that March 31 would be a holiday for us but if there are still unfinished jobs, some of us would still go to work. Thankfully, the late party of OJ delegates will leave on the night of March 30. After finding that out, I texted my boss and told her that I will be at work until the 30th and re-schedule my leave just on the 31st instead. She replied but it’s not the answer that I’m looking for. But I’ve already decided to go to OJ even though we still have work on the 31st. March 29 came and surprisingly, the universe conspired and my boss gave me a go to leave by the 31st. Praise God! I’m already good to go. I was still able to attend the general assembly right before our scheduled departure.

We arrived at the campsite after almost 10 hours of travel (including some mishaps in the directions going there). I was told before that we will live inside tents, which is just fine for me. I wasn’t able to bring my own beddings but thank God I got to stay in a big tent with some OJ delegates. The harder part would be taking a bath and/or doing doing number 2. We have to walk a few hundred meters to do our thing in a barangay hall which is still under construction. I’m out of my comfort zone indeed and that’s what OJ is all about. Surprisingly, I find it kinda easy to adjust to the situation. Probably the result of pre-psyching myself that I’m gonna experience the worst. I crossed a boundary!

Upon arriving at the campsite, we were only given a little time to eat lunch and prepare for the community immersion. Yes, immersion in the community during lunchtime. Add the fact that Isabela is hardly hit by the El Nino Phenomenon (you are doomed if you don’t have sunblock). Oh well, this is OJ. What do you expect? It’s known for these kinds of stuff. But seeing the younger delegates enjoy the truck ride, I don’t have any reason to complain. Besides, I signed up for this. I’m one of God’s soldiers now.

I was quite surprised with my decision to join OJ. Why am I still so eager to go there and be out of my comfort zone? Why is sacrificing my job seemed easier just for me to attend this activity? I don’t know the exact answer. But I know God is working in me.

I was able to share the Gospel on my first day there. Praise God for reminding me how to handle different responses. I was blessed by the enthusiasm of each one to go and reach out. The truck experience was great!. The last thing I had something like that was way back in LTI 2004. I was also able to walk 2 or 3 kilometers to invite people to watch the Jesus film. I got the chance to pray for the people we shared to and to the people who accommodated us in their homes. The Jesus film worked after a lot of technical difficulties with the DVD player. Hundreds of people were exposed to the Gospel through the film. The Living Waters sessions made me understand more about myself and about other people’s struggles. The weather is too hot but it didn’t stop us from going to the battlefield.

One of the highlights of this event is the commitment night. I like the way how Ate Coco led the night. I actually didn’t make a commitment, I made a re-commitment because I lost my desire to reach out to people. I’m glad that God gave me an avenue to (once again) find my purpose in life and to re-direct me to where He wants me to be (because I’ve been taking a longer detour these past few years). I praise God because I was able to spend time with Him in a more deeper and unique way. God is asking me to give up false pleasures, free myself of some excess baggage and lay them all down at the foot of the cross. He wants me to realize that He did everything on the cross… just for me because He loves me. He wants me to wake up every morning in the warmth of His embrace. My life should all be about Him. God set my heart on fire once again.

Setting foot in Manila became much harder for me because I gotta go back to work the morning after our last day. Super sabaw mode! But praise God because I was able to work well even though I don’t have a nice rest. I’m gonna miss Isabela. I met a lot of new movers from different schools and I had a great time with them. I saw with my own eyes how God worked ‘for the good of those who love Him.’

I think the greater challenge is not being able to survive the not-so-pleasant conditions in OJ but facing our own lives after the event. OJ might be a fun thing to do for most of us but what matters most is our passion to reach out to our friends, families, workmates, and communities not just in these kinds of activities but also in any occasion. The real challenge begins right after OJ, and that is now.

At last the school year is over! I’m done doing test guides and straining my throat to teach students who sometimes doesn’t listen. Oh my precious voice! Handling those kind of students was kinda tough but somehow challenging. I learned how to extend my patience and how to handle pressure. And I also learned how to have a great time doing work. Thanks to my workmates who chase those blues away. I can’t believe that I was able to teach those students for one whole school year. Praise God I was able to pull it off! I can still remember when I was doing my thesis during the 1st sem. It kinda sucks working and doing school at the same time. But that part was saved by grace. I thought finishing my thesis would give me enough time to rest and make the most out of every tutorial session that I attend to. But my boss, after knowing that I already graduated gave me more workloads (not to mention a chance to get a “higher” compensation). What the heck!?! I think my workload tripled after and I wasn’t able to feel the “higher” compensation that they promised. After realizing that, I started thinking of getting a new job. So I attended all the job fairs in town (that’s an exaggeration). Up until now, I’m still looking for a job that would suit me. Preferably a full-time job that would give me much freedom to do the things that I want to. On the other hand, I have to review for my board exam starting May. I’m still thinking if I can manage my time juggling between a full-time job and attending review sessions during the weekends (Plan A). But that I think is suicide! I prefer to concentrate on my review classes before doing a hard-core engineering job (Plan B). Besides, passing the board exam is no joke. But Plan B would leave me with no income. And that means I’m gonna ask my parents to give me allowance every week. It sucks big time!

Last Wednesday, I got a call from this company who gave itself a bragging right during the whole-day recruitment affair last February. The name is not well-known but the company caters to other big companies all over the world (kidding aside). The HR lady told me that I pass the interview and the exam and that after assessing 80 plus candidates, I landed on the top 15 list. So I was like on cloud 9 during that moment. She then scheduled the final interview and all that jazz. It really made my day! I’m good! It felt really good! At last something that I can brag about. But after an hour or so, the lady called again telling me that there’s a little mistake with their priority listing. I passed the interview. I passed the exam but my score didn’t make it to the 1st priority list. So I landed on the 2nd priority list (felt like a loser once again). The interview was canceled with a promise that not all of those in the 1st priority will pass the interview, so they might still call me back. I’m kinda pissed off but if it’s not really for me, so be it. I think God would have bigger and better plans.

At last I’m gonna graduate this coming April! The sunflowers are waiting. So excited for that! But I still have to work on with some graduation requirements. I still have to clear my deficiencies from way back. I hope to do it next week. No. I should do it next week! Time is running fast.

At last I already finished reading the book which I bought last December. I still have to read 4 books more before buying another set of books. Most of the books by the way were written by Max Lucado. Good writer, very straightforward. Gives simple yet heartwarming illustrations.

At last, I started re-committing my life to God. Thanks to a dear friend (my partner in crime) who helped me a lot by giving me words of encouragement, through text and through the ever reliable Facebook even though we don’t see each other much. Dude, we gotta put those ice skates on soon! It’s summer already! And bro, we have to help each other out in seeking God especially with our plans in life. Thank you for being a good brother. We’ve been through a lot but hey, we’re still here encouraging each other and re-affirming our relationship as brothers-in-Christ. May we reflect God’s glory to the people we meet each day. You’re one of the best things that happened in my life.

Last month, a friend of mine died. It was on the news. She committed suicide on her condo unit. It took a while for me let it sink in. A promising career. A secured future. Good circles of friends. Why would you end your life if you have all these? Something might be missing and up until now, we are still putting the puzzle pieces together to know what the real reason why she did that. There’s no one to blame why that happened. We just have to pray for her soul and her family as well.

This summer, I have a lot of plans. I’ll got to Subic on May. I might go to Isabela this coming Holy Week. I’m gonna start my review sessions on May. I wanna learn how to drive before my student permit expires. I want to go to the gym on a more regular basis. I want to finish reading those Max Lucado books. And a whole lot more. I just hope that God would give me enough time and resources to do all these things. But most importantly, I should do everything to showcase God’s glory. How? I still have to find it out. One thing’s for sure, everything that happens to me right now, my struggles, my activities, and my work, they are all avenues to promote who God really is in my life. Please pray with me as I continue to find my purpose in life.

Early last year (I mean 2009), I have the highest hopes to graduate by April. Since I’m on a graduation mode during that time, I have to sacrifice some other things, things that I really love, just to finish my thesis. I attended a lot of graduating students’ seminars sponsored by different churches and organizations because I thought that it would somehow encourage me to pull off college. It was a tortuous journey for me. Add the fact that I’m doing my thesis alone.

To make the long story short, I wasn’t able to graduate last April. That was the first major frustration that came to me last year. I can still remember every detail of that day when my professor told me that he won’t be accepting my project, suggesting that I take the same subject the next semester. My world fell apart. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for that. My parents got really frustrated about it. Thankfully, they learned to accept it, more easily than I did. After finding out that I really can’t do anything about it, I started planning out what to do next. I don’t have a plan B yet.

One thing that I am really afraid of is the thought that if I didn’t graduate, I won’t stay in QC anymore. That was my biggest fear during that time. I became easily attached to friends because I enjoy every single moment with them, playing ultimate every Monday and doing hardcore jogging around the acad oval every Wednesday night. I also love our dinner outs as well as the Friday gimiks. I’m having the time of my life but because of that unfinished thesis, I have no choice but to follow what my parents said, and that’s for me to stay with them again, far away from my beloved friends, far away from the place that I really called home.

Summer came. I keep on thinking ways on how to go back to QC and stay there. I started to find part-time jobs just around the vicinity of the campus. I thought that maybe, it would be enough reason for my parents to allow me to stay there again. But I failed on that part. I’m a loser feeling bitter of the things that I missed while spending time in our house.

For the last time, I enrolled as an undergrad student when June came. Still, my parents won’t allow me to stay in QC since I only have 2 units left to complete. I was already hopeless that time. But I continued to find ways to get out of our house. Quite unexpectedly, a friend told me that he’s gonna resign from his job as a Physics tutor and he recommended me to his employer. One day, I got a message from one of the coordinators that he’s gonna schedule me for a demo teaching. Actually, I was thinking twice if I would accept it since I already applied for that job before and I failed. But I was too desperate to find a part-time job so I accepted the invitation for another round of demo teaching. And I’m doing this for one single purpose, to go back to QC. I think I was lucky enough to be given a second chance. I woke up one morning preparing Physics lesson plans and test guides to 4th year high school students.

I realized then that going to work while finishing your thesis is easier said than done. I had a hard time juggling with my regular thesis meetings (this time, I have groupmates so the job should be easier, but I was wrong) and scheduled tutorial sessions. Plus, I have to take long rides each day from home to work (and sometimes, to school) and back. It was very tiring on my part. So I keep telling myself that I really should get a place near work and school. But after getting my first regular paycheck, I realized that I still can’t get a place of my own. It got me really frustrated because I have the highest hopes that I can already rent a place. But my salary was just not enough.

With my mind still focused on raising enough money to go back to QC, I felt the pressure of staying at home, parents asking me if I can finish my thesis on time and siblings who gets in my way whenever I need to use the internet (thankfully, I was able to buy a wireless router for our home network system). I also had a hard time dealing with everyone at home. I felt like they’re all against me. So I didn’t give a damn interacting with them. I always preferred to be alone. It came to a point where I don’t wanna hear a single word from my parents. I intentionally go home late when everyone’s asleep so I won’t bother having to see them. In the same way, I get up in the morning whenever everyone’s gone. I even make excuses to go out for thesis every weekend. I just can’t bear living in the same house with them.

Once in a while, I go out with friends especially during birthday celebrations and special occasions. I just miss being with them. I promised myself to do everything just to be with them again and do the things that I love.

My life was like that for the past months or so. On the other hand, I’m having a great time with my workmates. They became my new friends in an instant. I somehow enjoyed work because of their company.

September 26, 2009. Guess what happened? I was at the engineering library in UP with my thesis mates. It was the day when Ondoy hit Manila. I have no idea what’s happening around the metro since we were stranded at school. I called Mama to ask if I can go home since we usually have flood whenever there’s a big storm. My mom said floodwaters on the streets were already waistdeep (probably knee deep inside our house) so she suggested that I spend the night at my thesis mate’s house. Thank God my family’s safe. Floodwaters subsided before the day ended so I was able to go back home the next morning. The next day, I heard the news about people who died because of the catastrophic flood. As I watch the TV, more heartbreaking stories were being reported. I can’t help it but feel sorry for those people who were affected by the great flood. Somehow, I learned to appreciate my own family after hearing those stories. I prayed to God and thanked Him because He kept my family safe and no one’s hurt.

After Ondoy, things started to change. Quite miraculously, I always long for a time with my family every weekend. I learned appreciating my moments with my family every dinner and lunch. I started talking to them and tell them stories about work and friends. It seems like God has worked His way through me. I’m somehow thankful to Ondoy because it made me see things through a different light with regards to my family. God has been telling me to love my family. And true enough, I’m learning to love them, little by little. It just proves that even though I screwed it up, God still loves me and He wants me to have the best.

Grace. It’s one thing that I should be thankful for this year. I’ve been doing everything all wrong with my relationship with God but I’m glad that He saved me not just from the flood that Ondoy brought but also from the sinful nature. I finished my thesis by God’s grace last year. This coming April, I’m gonna graduate from this country’s premier state university. All because of God’s grace.

What a year indeed! A lot of ups and downs but still, God’s mercy prevailed. It wasn’t a perfect year but God’s strength was made perfect for my weakness. I believe that He has a reason why He let me get frustrated with what happened with my life, and if I only follow His heart, He will lead me to the place where He wants me too.

Blessed 2010 to all of us!

Preparing for a Christmas party is quite tiring and at times frustrating especially if you have a big part to play. Thank God, I was still able to manage my time (and anger) in doing stuff that needs to be done ahead of time. Honestly, ‘I don’t feel any fressure right now!’

Earlier today, I started doing a little Christmas list that I can bring for my Christmas shopping adventures. Since I’m doing in on a last minute basis, I might as well take an hour or two to the mall starting tomorrow to buy gifts little by little. As you can see, I really don’t have much time anymore to do it in one ‘full-blast’ Christmas shopping. Oh well, thanks for the 1pm call time at work starting tomorrow. The only drawback is, I have to get a little from my monthly savings to buy gifts because I’ve been living an, putting it into a friend’s word, extravagant life these past few days. So I should get ready for a ‘super tipid mode’ after Christmas.

Work is going pretty much cool now. Praise God for less paranoia. I can now talk and relate with my workmates with ease and patience. Just yesterday, I realized that I’ve been missing a lot whenever I take some time alone with myself during free hours. It deprives me of knowing who really my workmates are. I also realized that I’m better off if I’m the one taking the initiative to talk to a person and break the barriers between us. Now I’m starting to appreciate the freedom to talk to people in my workplace. I miss my ‘old self’ in a sense that I’d naturally ‘pursue’ people to know their hearts and establish a relationship with them. I was once known to be a friendly type of person, someone whom you can easily get along with. But as much as I want to pursue people, at the end of the day, I also want to be pursued by the people I love. Cheesy much!?! Oh well, I think God really made me that way. It’s up to me how will I use it for His glory.

I did some Christmas shopping with a dear friend of mine yesterday at the Megamall. It wasn’t really planned. It just so happened that I left work early so I have an ample time to shop. Praise God mall hours were extended to 12mn. Actually, I was expecting a much bigger shopping crowd as people do their last minute Christmas shopping. Thankfully, it wasn’t that bad yesterday.

What to expect this coming week? Hmmmm… I hope to complete all the stickers for the Starbucks planner because I plan to give it to someone on Christmas. We’ll be having another Christmas party on Tuesday. This time, with my workmates alone. The next day (hopefully), I’ll be having dinner and coffee after with two special friends because I miss them so much. For that, I hope to finish my Christmas shopping by tomorrow.