I’m struggling nowadays with a lot of things: studies, ministry, friends, belongingness… I’ve been experiencing too many ups and downs these past few days. Maybe, I am in the process of seeking the real purpose of my life. Is it for all the people I meet? Or just for a chosen few? But whatever way God puts it, I would gladly abide in His plans for my life. I’m missing a lot of things in my life not because I’m too busy but because, I keep on dwelling on trivial things.
I got the chance to talk to my ‘friends’ last Thursday after a stressful day. I have no plans of having a deep conversation with them, but one of my ‘friends’ is. She then shared ‘again’ her struggles in keeping up with us. Then I realized that we share the same struggles. What’s worse than being told that they were irritated by those people who’s so much dependent on them? It’s a slap on my face when I heard that thing. Maybe because I feel so guilty about it. All of a sudden, you will realize that they aren’t appreciating the things that you are doing for them. Many times I felt this way but this was the only time that my emotions were stirred so much, that I can’t say anything more after they said that thing to me. I was so deeply affected that I backed-out of the emceeing job that was offered to me for the next day’s ML. I’ve been a loser all my life I realized. I thought that people would appreciate what I’m doing. You see, I failed on one basic thing, I keep on craving for the approval of other people than God’s. I think I am not assured of their love for me. God is telling me lately to love even if people don’t love you. Give love even though you feel rejected or betrayed. But I have a hard time now thinking if those things were true in my life. I still can’t believe that I heard that thing straight from them. Then, it came out that we were forcing our ‘friendship’ too much.
I don’t know what am I gonna do. Letting go would be a difficult thing for me.
As for now, I need to re-assess myself and ask God what is it that He wants me to do.
I’ve heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today becasue I knew you… Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better but, because I knew you, I have been changed for good… Wicked the Musical