I admit it! No matter what I do, people won’t love me the way I want them to. I’m guilty of expecting too much from a relationship and that’s what frustrates me most. This is a very big problem on my part. I really am a great ‘expecter’ when it comes to relationships, especially with new ones. I think I can trace the roots of these problems back when I was in high school. I was deprived of any relationship that would help me grow as a Christian. I used to find people whom I can share my hurts with. But those people whom I shared to, and trusted so much, can’t care enough for me. They have their own thing and it hurts a lot to know that they don’t trust me the way I want them to. These things taught me how to hate people. People who really don’t care. People who would show that they care for you but in the end, they will be the one who will ridicule you first. Imagine being humiliated in front of a lot of people and there’s no one who would be willing to stand up there with you.
The greatest struggles came and I don’t know how to deal with them ‘coz I didn’t learn a lot from my experiences during high school. ‘Til college came and I realize my vulnerabilty with regards to my relationships. I thought I’ll forget all about those things and I can continue on with my life in a new environment where different kinds of people thrive. But I was wrong. I still do the things that I did in high school and I end up being more and more frustrated. I thought I know how to love since I’m in an environment who, more or less talks about love in it’s deepest sense. It came to my knowledge that I’m doing the wrong kind of love, that is conditional.
Right now, I don’t have someone (‘coz I’m not sure if I can trust people enough, even those closest to me) whom I can share my struggles with. I just do things by myself ‘coz I’m not sure if there’s someone who would be willing to help me ’til the end. I’m afraid of being rejected or ridiculed. But still, people fail me. I tried numbing myself ‘coz I thought that it would help me forget my hurts. But the more I try to forget them, the more I long for an intimate relationship. A relationship which can’t be broken by a single word or act. A relationship that grows for the good of the people involved and the people around it. A relationship that exists because of love. A relationship which longs for intimacy. A relationship that is heaven-bound.