It was so difficult for me to stay focused these past few days. I’ve been a bum since last Wedesday because of the super typhoons, which means I’m not doing anything fruitful with my studies and stuff. I would spend most of my time in my room reading my books as if I’m learning something or playing DOTA on my computer. But I go out once in a while even though it’s raining too hard outside. I can’t just lock myself up in my room.
I was reading my ‘beloved’ Powerplant Engineering textbook yesterday when Angelo (Gelo) texted me and asked where I am. He was in UP right at that moment and it was raining so hard. I can’t remember having an appointment with him that day. But I still told him to wait for me there. He told me he was supposed to return a book at the Engineering Library but it was closed. So, I hurriedly ran to the bathroom, took a cold shower, wore the most comfortable t-shirt, jacket, pair of jeans and shoes and walk my way to the nearest jeepney terminal. The weather was really bad. It would be better off if you would just spend time in your room and sleep all day, and do nothing. But I still took the risk of meeting up with him despite the unpredictable weather.
The UP Main Library was open that day so he told me to meet him there. I saw him answering some math problems and he asked me some questions about it, how to answer it. But I wasn’t able to give him nice answers. What do you expect from a 5th year college student who took that math subject almost 4 years ago? Gosh! I realized that I’m too old to be staying here in the university. By the way, Gelo is an ME freshman. I am one of the block handlers of their block. Basically I’m handling 33 ME freshies from different places in the country (but most of them are from Metro Manila). This is not my first time to meet with him. I’ve been having lunch with him and a few of his blockmates during the past weeks. During those times, I got to know him better. He was the silent type but he never says no to anything about acads and stuff (a typical freshie. =) ).
So we’re at the library ’til 1pm and we decided to go somewhere to eat. From UP, we went to Jollibee Katipunan since it’s the ‘closest to our hearts.’ We ate lunch there and talked about anything under the hiding sun. From high school life, to family life, to computer games, to food, to college life and the list goes on. He also taught me how to play Backgammon on his phone but in the end, I didn’t understand everything he taught me about the game.We’re having fun time with each other. We learn a lot form each other. We’re pretty close with each other. So what’s next?
Since the first time we met, I feel the burden of sharing God’s Word to him as I was supposed to do. (Most of the people reading this might, at this moment, not understand what I’m saying. To those who understand my situation, please continue reading. To those who don’t have a clue of what’s this all about, you can stop here and choose to continue reading or PM me so I can explain everything to you. =) ). I want to tell him how God has been good to me and how He has given me overflowing grace. We share a lot of things in common. No doubt I was able to relate to him faster and easier. I can say that at this moment, I’ve built a relationship that is relevant to my life, my ministry. The problem is, I still have personal issues (matters of the heart) to deal with regarding my relationships.
So I was there sitting in front of him feeling silly. I keep on telling myself ‘Go! Share! this might be the last chance that you can share to him! Bring out your weapon!’ That thing keeps running in my mind all throughout our meeting. But I just don’t know how to share it. Something’s stopping me. Is it because of the rain? Or is there something I fear so much?
I’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional pains these past few days. That gave me a reason to stay out-of-focus. I don’t know what’s the point of what I’m doing. I forgot my purpose in life. Why am I doing all these things? It seems like I’ve been running around in circles and I don’t know how to get out of that. I don’t know what to prioritize things.
I don’t know what’s important. I put God out of my system and I do things on my own. I think this is the reason why I stay out of focus. I never long to spend more time with Him. I never long to know more about His Words. I never do anything for His glory. What am I doing with my life?
I don’t have the answer to all my questions. I even don’t know what to do for things to go the right way. I’m tired of playing games anymore. I’m hoping that one of these days, my desire of a more intimate relationship with my Almighty Father would come back. I think that’s what I needed most.