This is probably one of those days that I don’t want to remember for the rest of my life. I’m having a hard time dealing with some work issues. Not that I do not enjoy work much. (I love the people and the way we make fun. It feels like a second home.) It’s more of my desire to be the best that I can be even if a lot of factors are pulling me down. My day started when one of my supervisors gave me some ‘coaching’ with the things that I do with regards to the rules at work. I’m kinda frustrated with what he said about my techniques. I thought I’m doing the right things. But then, I discovered that I’m not good enough. (I want to make it crystal clear that I’m not angry with my supervisor. He’s just doing his job. I actually thank him for giving me that feedback as early as now. I mean he never really became passive about it because certainly, that work practice would really get me into trouble.) I think my pride is more affected since I really set high standards for myself. Unconsciously, I’ve settled for the second best. As a result, I had a hard time keeping my focus. I want to cry right there and then because I feel so small about myself. I thought I’m giving it my all but then again, I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
These past few days, my heart longs for the thing I really love, theatre. Just last week, I found out that there’s gonna be a rerun of the musical that we did two years ago. I was shocked because I didn’t expect that and I psyched myself to focus more with my corporate job. I haven’t been performing for almost two years now and my theatre life became really stagnant. I tried sticking to the status quo but I really do have a hard time dealing with things. A point came when I realized that my dream is not even halfway to reality. I realized that there is more to life than doing theatre. So I ditched theatre! But in my heart, I still long for the good old days.
After finding out that the rerun will push through, I started to think of some ways on how to fix my work schedule for me to do my ‘sideline.’ I’m starting to anticipate the oohhss.. and aaaahhhhsss… from my supervisors and workmates alike. I know most of them wouldn’t understand why I want this thing. Right now, I still don’t have a concrete plan on what to do next. For now, I would concentrate on my board exam review before doing anything else. It’s going to be my last hurrah before becoming a licensed engineer. And I’ll be waiting for God’s answer on my desire to perform for Him, my Audience of One.